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Beaned Café + Saturday Gardens Meatless Menu Coming Soon

Stop in to your nearest Beaned Café location this Winter for the food and fuel of the future! The all-new meatless menu collaboration between Beaned Café and Saturday Gardens debuts on December 21st. Soon, folks around town will be asking, Where’s the leaf?, instead of, Where’s the beef?. Meatless item purchases include a free small beverage through December 28th. Saturday Strawberry Salad Stewed Spiced Carrot … Continue reading Beaned Café + Saturday Gardens Meatless Menu Coming Soon

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Business

Grover Electric President Defiant Amid Calls for Resignation

Jade Gondola, President of Grover Electric, has refused to leave her role after public demonstrations outside of Grover headquarters this week called for her resignation. Ms. Gondola has been under intense scrutiny after being appointed President of Grover Electric in July of 2021. She spearheaded the now infamous electric snow plow project. Ms. Gondola also approved the re-routing of electricity from residential neighborhoods to the … Continue reading Grover Electric President Defiant Amid Calls for Resignation

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Health

Elf Ears Trending for the Holiday Season, or Any Season

As elective cosmetic procedures return to normalcy after the pandemic hiatus, the operations are becoming a bit more abnormal. From replacing human teeth with animal teeth to changing one’s racial appearance, Cinniapolis surgeons have no shortage of work orders from their patients. Recently, elf ears have become a popular choice among the ever-changing whims of young Cinniapolitans. This procedure involves re-shaping the patient’s ear to … Continue reading Elf Ears Trending for the Holiday Season, or Any Season

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Crime

Minor Disturbance Ends St. Boris Toy Drive Early

The Annual St. Boris Church toy drive ended early after a surly guest was forcibly removed by off-duty HSL agents after mistaking the event for a Toys-for-Tots drive. Event coordinators told the Chorus that the disheveled man smelled of booze, cigarettes, and body odor. He arrived with a toy train to donate and demanded a meal in exchange for the donation. When he was informed … Continue reading Minor Disturbance Ends St. Boris Toy Drive Early

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Last Minute Thanksgiving Savings + Black Friday Raffle, Shop Now!

It’s nearly here! Thanksgiving, the bridge from Satan’s holiday to Santa’s holiday. Around these parts, Thanksgiving is the top holiday at Thick Pickins. It’s our favorite time of year to pass along historic savings to make this turkey day the best one yet. Stop in before Thursday to shop our sales and receive Black Friday raffle tickets. Shoppers will receive one Black Friday raffle ticket … Continue reading Last Minute Thanksgiving Savings + Black Friday Raffle, Shop Now!

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Fashion

Retroactive Red Carpet: The First Thanksgiving

The first Thanksgiving had many of the same aspects as a modern Thanksgiving. Guests dined on turkey, potatoes, corn, cranberries, among other native vegetables. The Pilgrims and Natives enjoyed sweet treats after the main feast too. The attendees at the inaugural holiday also partook in sporting activities. Then, they shot guns and arrows, and ate grapes. Now, we play football and eat pie, and then … Continue reading Retroactive Red Carpet: The First Thanksgiving

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Top Stories

Local Business Leaders Petition City Council for 2023 Special Election

City Council received a petition signed by numerous Cinniapolis business leaders calling for a special Mayoral election to be held in January 2023, nearly two years before the scheduled November 2024 election. Sources indicate rising crime rates and the general ineptitude of the current administration lies at the feet of Mayor Gondola. Local businesses said they’ve suffered significant financial losses due to the forced pandemic … Continue reading Local Business Leaders Petition City Council for 2023 Special Election

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Sports

’22 Derby Results Upheld

A committee of City Council members heard testimony from concerned parties over the past several days regarding the controversial photo finish from last Summer’s Cinniapolis Derby. The committee found no new compelling information to pursue the release of the photo finish to the public. After an initial public backlash at the decision to withhold the photo, tensions seemed to have eased over the past several … Continue reading ’22 Derby Results Upheld

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Free Cardiology Appointments

Thick Pickins Health Center is offering free cardiology appointments, now through the end of November. Come see one of our fine cardiologists to get your annual check-up for cholesterol, blood pressure, and your ticker. Now is the time to find out if your heart is healthy enough for a fifth helping of turkey and fixings. Don’t forget to visit our Heart Healthy aisle, filled with … Continue reading Free Cardiology Appointments

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Classifieds

Boat for Rent

FOR RENT: Gravy Boat. A perfect vessel for your gravies this holiday season. Wow your guests with this white ceramic masterpiece. There is no finer material than ceramic to hold the heat of your gravy. Last time I checked, nobody is reaching for cold gravy. The intricate bright blue floral detailing around the rim and handle will drive dinner table conversation. Call or text 555-872-1621, … Continue reading Boat for Rent

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