“Outlaw Thanksgiving” is trending on CNPS Stream encouraging Cinniapolitans to resist the meat ban in favor of a traditional Thanksgiving turkey meal. Several posts and videos detail the nearest out-of-town grocers, meat suppliers, and back-alley merchants supplying turkeys for the upcoming holiday. In a sign of the times, CSD units have been increasing patrols near city limits to thwart turkey traffickers. CSD CEO Rhonda Dixon … Continue reading Outlaw Thanksgiving
The Cinniapolis Safety Department (CSD) says it has referred several open investigations into cannibalism crimes to the Cinniapolis Police Department (CPD) and Holy Sheriff Legion (HSL). The CSD told the Chorus they simply don’t have the resources or manpower to fully investigate serious crimes, such as cannibalism. According to their weekly reporting, CSD reported cannibalism crimes have spiked exponentially since the onset of the meat … Continue reading Cannibalism On the Rise
The Cinniapolis Fire Protection Services (CFPS) announced today that beginning in the Summer of 2024, their services will be privatized and will only serve those addresses which are up-to-date on their bill payments. Mayor Gondola denounced this decision and vowed to find a workable solution for all parties involved. After a record-breaking Summer of lightning strikes and fires, the CFPS leadership attempted to renegotiate its … Continue reading Fire Protection Wants to Go Private
Over the past year, there has been a 441% increase in reported alien sightings in and around Cinniapolis. Also over the past year, there have been 0% confirmed aliens in and around Cinniapolis. Due to the massive increase of reported sightings, the Chorus did what it does best, investigate and report the facts. Our first lead was the Elevate Cosmetic Center (ECC), where the majority … Continue reading Alien Sightings Debunked
Hello fellow Chorus readers, first-time writer, long-time reader. I’m using this space to air my grievances regarding basketball free throws. There’s so much wrong with them in the game of basketball, I could write a book. But, I’m only dedicated enough to craft this short column. First, why is it a free throw, folks? It’s not a jump throw, it’s a jump shot. It’s not … Continue reading Opinion on Basketball Free Throws
The future of meat in Cinniapolis has arrived! Check out these lab-generated steaks produced by Washington Labs! These steaks look real, feel real, smell real, and taste real! Why? Because they are real. Real lab-grown meat. Legal lab-grown meat. Stop picking carrots out of your teeth & get back to chowing down on man’s finest discovery, meat! For a limited time, these Washington Lab Steaks … Continue reading Bio-Engineered Meat for Sale
Dolly is here to advise the Cinniapolis community and answer any questions with grace and honesty. Here is today’s question: Q: Dear Dolly, I am a government insider. I know the secrets of our tyrannical leaders. I have insight into their psychotic methods and evil behavior. But, I fear revealing their secrets will put a target on my back. I don’t want to be in … Continue reading Dear Dolly: Fly on the Wall
The rising popularity of a drug known to users as “Confetti” has gripped the attention of the public. Whether one is pitching their garbage in the back-alley community dumpsters of Walesburg or window shopping down Main Street in Reunion, signs of Confetti use are on prominent display. The drug, Confetti, is a hallucinogenic brightly colored-strip containing multiple chemical ingredients. The size of the strip is … Continue reading Confetti Drug Infiltrating Cinniapolis
Recently, the Chorus reported the relocation of Martha’s EyeCare and the exit of Fowler Chophouse from Cinniapolis due to rising crime and tyrannical policies set forth by Mayor Gondola’s administration. This morning, back-to-back press releases were published from the Mayor’s office. It is certainly odd for a government entity to make announcements regarding private businesses but these are odd times. Each press release is presented, … Continue reading Stay Right There!
The CNPS-TV meteorology team presents good news for the Autumn 2023 forecast, if you like warmer temps through the October and November months. Unfortunately for those preferring Winter temps that arrive as early as October, this Fall might not meet those expectations. CNPS-TV Lead Meteorologist, Fran Dimple assessed the long-range forecast for this Autumn, “We’re going to see an extension of the dry, arid Summer … Continue reading Autumn 2023 Forecast
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