Special Report

Residential Rolling Blackouts Approved

Mayor Gondola’s administration approved legislation for scheduled rolling residential blackouts beginning in the Summer of 2024. Stacked on top of the pending meat ban, the scheduled blackouts are another salvo from this administration in its fight against climate change. The administration will partner with Grover Electric, the sole electricity provider in Cinniapolis, to schedule these blackouts during times of minimum electricity usage. President of Grover … Continue reading Residential Rolling Blackouts Approved

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Business

Fowler Chophouse Leaving Cinniapolis

In a predictable move, Fowler Chophouse announced its plans to exit Cinniapolis. Fowler’s team released a statement explaining their decision. “Fowler Chophouse opened in 1959 as a modest steakhouse in a growing metropolis. Over the last 6 decades, Cinniapolitans love of the family atmosphere, dedicated service, and delicious meals at Fowler’s made it a destination for out-of-towners and Cinniapolis’ most esteemed guests. We are sad … Continue reading Fowler Chophouse Leaving Cinniapolis

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Top Stories

The Final Chow Down

There are 26 days, 624 hours, 37,440 minutes, and 2,246,400 seconds left until midnight September 5th, 2023. On that 5th day of September, meat will be officially outlawed and no longer available to produce, sell, purchase, nor consume in Cinniapolis. Well, not all meat, by the basic definition as being the flesh of any animal. As far as anyone can tell, the legislation allows fish … Continue reading The Final Chow Down

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Weather

Lightning Crashes

Cinniapolis has reported a record number of lightning strikes to residential buildings during this Spring and Summer storm season. While not unusual for lightning to hit a building or residence each year, the frequency with which these bolts are destroying property is noteworthy. Several residences have been condemned over the past several weeks as dry thunderstorms barrel through the region. These storms have displayed a … Continue reading Lightning Crashes

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Business

Residential Meat Freezers Sales Skyrocket

Fresh off the recent announcement banning meat in Cinniapolis, residential meat freezer sales have increased rapidly. Consumers are predictably clearing out the meat shelves at Thick Pickins and Dragg Meat and Dairy. However, few saw the demand for personal meat freezers spiking so rapidly. The Chorus spoke to Thick Pickins General General Manager, Shaquille Aston, about this past week’s freezer sales, “It’s an item we’ve … Continue reading Residential Meat Freezers Sales Skyrocket

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Top Stories

It’s Official, Meat Meets It’s Demise in Cinniapolis

Last night’s City Council session ended with a unanimous passing of measures to ban meat production, sale, purchase, and consumption within the city limits of Cinniapolis, effective September 5th. The rumors have persisted for years now about Mayor Gondola setting his sights on the meat industry, in the name of saving the environment. But, few within his inner circle believed he would follow through on … Continue reading It’s Official, Meat Meets It’s Demise in Cinniapolis

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Business

Martha’s EyeCare Packing Up and Leaving Town

Martha’s EyeCare, an optometry center operating in Cinniapolis since 2003, is leaving town after nearly 20 years. Martha Granderson, owner and founder, decided to make the move after the recent re-election of Mayor Gondola. Over the past few years, Ms. Granderson has been harassed while her office has been vandalized and robbed multiple times. “It’s a tragedy that’s unfolding in real time. Thugs roam the … Continue reading Martha’s EyeCare Packing Up and Leaving Town

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Weather

Summer 2023 Forecast

Expect the dry conditions to continue this Summer as Cinniapolis precipitation levels approach record lows. A mild Winter bled into a mild Spring which is leading to a dry, mild Summer. While this weather is preferable for Lake Sinnissippi beach-goers, it is kryptonite for local harvests. Five Families Farms recently reduced their projected fruit and vegetable crop growth to account for lack of natural precipitation … Continue reading Summer 2023 Forecast

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Advice

Dear Dolly: Karaoke King

Dolly is here to advise the Cinniapolis community and answer any questions with grace and honesty. Here is today’s question: Q: Dear Dolly, I would like to introduce myself to you as the Karaoke King. I am the self-proclaimed, undisputed King of Cinniapolis karaoke. I can sing opera, pop, folk, rock, soft rock, disco, ballads, country, R & B, you get the point. I’m fluent … Continue reading Dear Dolly: Karaoke King

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Health

Transage Trend Hits Cinniapolis

By now, folks have heard of transgender, transsexual, transracial, and transable, but have you heard of transage? Transage is the term being used to describe individuals who no longer “act their age” because they feel a different age internally. It’s the latest development in a modern trend that continues to play into identity segregation politics and fuel the fire of society’s culture wars. Transage individuals … Continue reading Transage Trend Hits Cinniapolis

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