Over the past year, there has been a 441% increase in reported alien sightings in and around Cinniapolis. Also over the past year, there have been 0% confirmed aliens in and around Cinniapolis. Due to the massive increase of reported sightings, the Chorus did what it does best, investigate and report the facts.

Our first lead was the Elevate Cosmetic Center (ECC), where the majority of sightings have been reported. We surveyed Dr. Sherman Fielgüt, the owner of the ECC, to gauge the level of awareness surrounding the conspiracies that the ECC is a breeding ground for extraterrestrial aliens, that it is a beacon to a faraway galaxy serving as a hub for intergalactic travel, or even the far out theory Dr. Fielgüt is an alien himself. He was more than willing to indulge our reporting and offered an official rebuke to the rumors that he is of another world, “As cool as I think it would be to live here as an other worldly observer of the human race, I can confirm I am human and of this earth. However, here at Elevate, we are committed to lifting up the downtrodden with non-invasive procedures, based on their emotional and psychological intelligence,” he said. Strike one for the Chorus.

Our next lead took us to the still smoldering remains of the Cinniapolis Performing Arts Theatre. Here, there have been dozens of sightings, claiming cold-blooded extraterrestrials have been warming their bodies from the emitted heat of the burned structure. We interviewed a citizen, who wished to remain anonymous for fear of retribution from the aliens, “I’ve seen ’em here a few times, man. They circle the destruction and always congregate by the west end of the wreckage. I went there two weeks ago and it is very, very hot there. These aliens must need to warm up due to their biological make up. I suspect they are cold-blooded, if they even have blood at all. I’m scared, man. I shouldn’t have told you this,” she said as she scurried away. Strike two for the Chorus.

Finally, after several more swings and misses with our investigation, it appeared the Chorus was resigned to a figurative golden sombrero (4 strikeouts in one baseball game). But, after returning to the tent-community in Walesburg, the alien sightings became a bit more obvious. Here, we witnessed many under the influence of Confetti, speaking in nonsensical syllables. Some frequent users complained of always being cold, even if the temperature was in the 80s or 90s. To combat that, some users have taken to heavily smearing Vaseline on their bodies, including faces, to hold in their body heat. The liberally applied Vaseline gives their faces a shiny, non-human appearance up close and from a distance. Sometimes, they said, they travel to the Cinni Performing Arts Theatre to “warm up by the fire”. This explains the “extraterrestrial activity” near the smoldering remains of the theatre. But, what about the sightings near the ECC? Dr. Fielgüt offered up the simplest explanation, “Sometimes the patient wants to look more alien, and we do that for them, very well I might add. Other times, the patient’s procedure turns out so well, their appearance is that of an angel or something more beautiful than this Earth can comprehend,” he said.

There you have it, Cinniapolitans. The hope, desire, and fear of alien encounters has produced a litany of false sightings and mild, concentrated panic throughout the area. The old saying goes, “If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and quacks like a duck, then it probably is a duck.” However, in Cinniapolis, if it looks like an alien, walks like an alien, and talks like an alien, then it’s probably not an alien.