Hello fellow Chorus readers, first-time writer, long-time reader. I’m using this space to air my grievances regarding basketball free throws. There’s so much wrong with them in the game of basketball, I could write a book. But, I’m only dedicated enough to craft this short column.

First, why is it a free throw, folks? It’s not a jump throw, it’s a jump shot. It’s not a hook throw, it’s a hook shot. It’s not a 3-point throw, it’s a 3-point shot. It’s not a fade away jump throw, it’s a…well, you get the point. Where in the world did free shots become free throws? Probably Europe. This is typical of today’s woke society needing to rewrite everyone’s vocabulary to fit the squeaky wheels of humanity. To me, it’s a free shot and it will never be a free throw, the same way Freedom Toast will never be French Toast! Never! Snowflakes, take a hike!

Secondly, where is the punishment in making the offense swish two shots after being physically assaulted? Let me get this straight, I’m driving to the hoop for a layup and get walloped across my head, why do I now need to make two shots? I should be awarded the points because this superstar doesn’t miss layups, okay? But, if the inept refs can’t award me my two points, at least give me a chance at 3 points to, ya know, punish and deter the defense from assaulting me on my way to the hoop. The first free shot should be worth two points and the second free shot should be an additional two points because every other shot within the 3-point line is worth two points. Herein lies another example of society coddling those that break the rules.

Lastly, let’s eliminate the free shot altogether. They are boring, slow the game down, and have been exploited by self-involved, smug coaches to expose an opponent’s lack of free shot excellence. Not to mention, the millionaire athletes hardly even practice free shots anymore. They are so lazy, short-sighted, and selfish. These primadonna ballplayers are choosing to practice launching low percentage 3-pointers, rather than being perfect at high percentage free shots.

This guest columnist firmly believes if free throws are re-classified as free shots or if free shots are eliminated, Cinniapolis would be a much better place to live. The ills of our society are reflected in the hypocritical rules of basketball. Let us take a shot at changing basketball to better fit the Cinniapolitan spirit of accountability and common sense. We can do it!